Between Love and Admiration

It happens again. When my heart hurts. I thought the pain has stopped. But, then again, it still hurts...

There were times, when I prayed, I make du'a, I asked to forget. I asked so that all my memories would be gone. I didn't want to remember. Not at all. However, as time passes by. I know, it would never happen. The reality of love that I experienced, will remain.

People says, whenever you fall, you need and are going to bounce back higher. But what if, what if I fell into a deep darkness that somehow creates a ceiling causing you to stuck between two domains; grieve and enlightenment. I bounced back but a barrier created by the past memories drags me down, and slowly I'm drowned, again...

I know how love feels, and I understand how heartbroken someone can be, if you've been rejected or neglected or ignored or left or everything. If you know your love is forbidden, you'll understand how I feel. But, I always remind myelf of this ayaat:

Prescribed for you is fighting, though it be hateful to you. Yet it may happen that you will hate a thing which is better for you; and it may happen that you will love a thing which is worse for you; God knows, and you know not.                             (Al-Baqarah 216)

So, what's left for me is to admire. Even though it's painful inside, I'll withstand it coz the chain of sins that I've indulged myself into must be stopped. If it happens that I like someone, I'll keep admiring coz I believe Allah knows what's best for me... Please, give me strength. O Allah, God of the whole universe.